Well, on the brink of a new year...

NEW LAYOUT!

Forged Under Great Pressure

I was going through my emails and found this journal entry for my religion class. I think it describes the past 4 to 5 months of my life pretty well:

This has definitely been my “pruning” semester. Before I’m qualified for Zion, the Lord needs to make sure I’m ready. I’ve had people change my life. I’ve had disappointments. I’ve had scary life realizations. I’ve been made fully aware of my weaknesses. I’ve had to deal with emotional instability and indecisiveness. Also, procrastination. Pursuits of fun things. And maintaining my virtue. It’s been a struggling semester. Nevertheless, I like what Brother Dorius said today in class: our decisions affect future generations. Doctrine and Covenants 58 relates to what the Saints are curious about: where and how to build Zion. But, the Lord is saying, how are we going to build you first? Before Zion, we must face much tribulation. That is what I feel so strongly about this semester. Thanks to men with such faith in the Doctrine and Covenants, I feel like this is achievable. They took much correction. They must have been really humble. I can only take a little correction at a time. Thankfully, the Lord is patient with me. He knows my talents, and he doesn’t want me to hide them (like those not preaching the gospel in Section 60). The church is true, and my character is being forged under great pressure and trying fires. But, I’ll come out stronger! That’s the power of the Atonement. 

Christmas Break

I'm home.

Is that weird, or what? I haven't been back to this place for a year. There's definitely a different feeling being here. I'll have to warm up to Ohio again, because I've loved my stay in Utah this past year.

I feel like I had to blog because I have to really embrace that this year is almost over! That I'm home! That I'm done with my semester. I've survived it so far!

Now, I am on the brink of approximately 3 weeks home. There's so many little things I would like to accomplish, so I thought I'd write them down. Heck, share them with the blogging community so that I'd be held accountable for my actions.

Service. It is the season of giving! I want to help people, somehow, someway. I've been so selfish with my time and efforts this past semester. My weekend getaways to Moab. Allowing myself to cry night-after-night over a broken heart, not realizing the love that surrounds me. Coming back to Ohio, I've seen there are people that I can help. My mom, dad, and sister. My ward friends. The widows in our ward. Inactive youth. Those in the hospital. It can seem a bit overwhelming! But, I want to challenge myself to do a little bit each day by listening to the Spirit.

Snowboarding at least once at Brandywine/Boston Mills.

See the Hobbit with Monique.

Go rock climbing with Monique.

Work on the puzzle at my home.

Go for walks/hikes!

Run in all of my favorite places!

Figure out pharmacy school.

Figure out next summer.

Figure out my class schedule next semester!

Work on Organic Chemistry.

Read Jesus the Christ.

Go running/exercise everyday.

Eat healthy!

Attend the temple.

Go to Singles' ward activities.

I hope this isn't trying to do too much at once. There will be a lot of prayer involved to keep my priorities straight.

You Are Not Forgotten.

I sincerely think that the publisher of Mormon Messages is directly answering my prayers. First, Daughters of God published when I broke up with my boyfriend. And now this video, published when I feel my whole perspective on life changing. How blessed I feel.

Waking up with WAY too many dreams!

I woke up with so many ideas! I guess my dreams inspired me or something. I laid in bed with all of these ideas swarming around my head. No wonder I couldn't go back to sleep.

Internship next summer. In Kansas?! I'd need to find an apartment somewhere. I'd need to sign up for the PCAT somewhere else. I'd need to take Physics 106/108 online?

Next semester taking public speaking (as my civ credit?) and microeconomics (so that I would be able to apply for University of Colorado).

Graduating and taking a year break to go travel!

Snowboarding. I need to wax my board. Going snowboarding next Tuesday? Park City?! Getting new gloves, new coat, new pants, new goggles, and helmet. That's a lot, but doing it one at a time.

Having more time to study because I reduced my hours at work. I'm not going to write off this semester.

Talks & Videos that have changed my life

This is a smorgasbord of different talks and videos that have become major turning points in my attitude, my outlook on life, my decisions, etc. 

"Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"

"Moments that Matter Most"

"Daughters of God"

“As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten” by Elder Christofferson

"The Will of God"

Here's the video that goes along with it.


More Than Conquerors through Him That Loved Us by Paul V. Johnson. I still remember vividly listening to this talk one night my freshman year. I was discouraged and in despair towards heading back to campus which seemed like a hopeless cause in attacking my stress and assignments. Here's the part of the talk that got me through that trial of my faith: In the midst of problems, it is nearly impossible to see that the coming blessings far outweigh the pain, humiliation, or heartbreak we may be experiencing at the time. “No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.” The Apostle Paul taught, “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.”

"The Coat: A Story of Charity"

"Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them"

"An Apostle's Easter Thoughts on Christ"

"Chastity: What Are the Limits?"

Daughters in My Kingdom.

"Be Strong and of a Good Courage - Mutual Theme 2010"

Scars

(Written about 2 weeks ago; edited and published today)
As I write this post, I listen to a song that inspired my thoughts today. Scars by Papa Roach. I was washing the dishes the other day and my roommate's iPhone shuffled to this song.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel."

And then, it hit me how applicable this song is to me right now. I apologize to any of my roommates reading this right now. I've been singing my own rendition of this song around the apartment. 

But, I'm very accident prone I've realized. With Aaron, every time we would go on an adventure, I would always get injured in one way or another.

I'd like to draw from one specific example. Canyonlands. Imagine it, May 2012. I'm in Southern Utah, with a friend's family, the Nelsons. Camping in the middle of nowhere. They decide to go repel off of an arch. To be honest, I went because I didn't want to miss out. Or miss spending time with a certain person. Anyways, whatever the reasons may be, I went. I didn't feel so good about it; but, I went.

Long story short, I scraped my hand while I fell repelling an arch. It sounds really cool, but it was totally stupid on my part. Here's a picture a couple days later of my hand.

The cuts healed, but they left scars. Here's what they look like today. Tonight actually, I just snapped these pictures.

 Side note: Look how bony my hands look. This is evidence that I have deathly, skeleton hands. 

It's funny how I've come to love and hate these scars. They reminded me of the beginning of a summer, of a new page in my life. But, they also remind me that I'm not invincible.

I'm trying to sensitively say that I'm sad because they now remind me of the finiteness of summer and that part in my life.

This relates to any kind of scars, even those left on the heart. Or those scars in your mind. I empathize with anyone experiencing those scars. You feel like you can never fully let go because the past has left an imprint.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel."

However, scars are really amazing. They remind me that I still have room to improve. That I'm not perfect...yet.

When we're resurrected after death, our bodies will be perfect. Without blemish (or scars, as far as I know). Our imperfect bodies will be made perfect.

And yet, Christ--the only one that lived a perfect life, will say, "Arise and come forth unto me, that ye may thrust your hands into my side, and also that ye may feel the prints of the nails in my hands and in my feet that ye may know that I am the God of Israel, and the God of the whole earth, and have been slain for the sins of the world."

By his scars, we will know He is our Savior. Let me emphasize that the only perfect person will be the one who's scars will identify Him. Our wounds will heal. Our pain will dull. But, let us not forget why. Because of His sacrifice of the Atonement, our scars will fade.

I will end by sharing a quote from Elder Holland:

I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.

 I also bear my testimony of Christ and His Atonement, and it is because of this, that my outlook is hopeful.

When Expectations Fall Short, Do Not Doubt

Wow, do you ever feel like people are expecting you to do so much? To be something that you might not have the capabilities to be?

I think this applies so much to who we are. We are defined by so many our relationships: daughter, sister, girlfriend, roommate, Relief Society Meeting Committee Member on Health & Wellness, Student Leadership, Lab Assistant, Student. Without other people, I could not consider myself to be those things.

What else am I that doesn't require the existence of close relationships? A blogger, a runner, a cellist, a scriptorian, a cook, a cleaner. I could successfully not know anyone personally and still be capable of these things. If I was not personally attached to anyone, I would still be capable of being something.

But, what would that something amount to? Eventually the blog would grow dull. The streets and trails seem mundane. Playing the cello would feel as hollow as its inside. Scriptures would lose meaning without being able to share them. Cooking for only myself too much would either make me obese or depressed. Probably both. Cleaning would get pointless if I only had myself to do it for.

Would life really serve its purpose if our daily interactions with people were totally impersonal? What if everyone I knew was just a merely an acquaintance? No intimate conversations about truth, love, friendship, heartache, joys, sorrows, trials, etc. Not only would life seem much less vivacious, but I would be stuck with all of these feelings on my own.

Furthermore, my growth would be stunted. As I noted the eventual degradation of each self-sustaining activity, I realized that I would reach a point that I could no longer progress. I could not learn patience without other people. I couldn't learn intellectually unless I was able to replicate every experiment, historical event, and novel ever created. Any talents I would have with people would go unrealized. Most importantly, I couldn't learn love--and what's deeper, charity.

You might be asking yourself, Why is Suzette trying to convince me that life would be nothing without our close friends and family? It's not you that needs convincing. I have forgotten the importance of having close allies in the midst of facing demons.

I'm not sure if a clear connection was drawn between the frustration of expectations and the "needing people in my life" thing. Here it is: I feel like people are expecting so much from me. Sometimes I feel like their sucking the life out of me. However, I am dependent on them as well in order to progress. While I get frustrated that they need me to do everything, what I didn't realize is that I need them to become all that I can be.

This makes me think of the Beatitudes that Christ gave on the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5).

The first 4 Beatitudes consist of things we can do on our own. They don't require the presence of anyone. They rely heavily on your own personal relationship with Christ. No people are involved just yet. These are attributes you can develop on your own:
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

The next five pertain to our relationships with others:

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

How can we learn to be merciful without having anyone to show mercy? How can we practice being pure in heart without interacting with other people? Same with being a peacemaker, being persecuted, and reviled. All of these require other people.

And here's what Christ says after all of these things:

Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

After rereading this, I can't help but feel that Christ really does have it figured out for us. That's why we have people in our lives. To help us reach our potential.

Don't Judge a Mouse By Its Tail

..................... Have you ever been impressed by animals? 

Okay, if you were my sister Monique, you would say, "Duh." I always liked animals, but I never really understood what they could teach us until I spent more time with them. They teach me Christ-like attributes that I have a hard time learning from people. 

I work in a lab on campus where we're studying the benefits of selenium and soy with prostate cancer. If anyone wants to know more, please ask! But, that's not why I'm writing today. I work with mice in the lab, and I am personally in charge of feeding the mice. Not just restocking their pellets. I get to "gavage" them, or pipette a dose of selenium in their mouth. The process isn't that complicated. But, some mice get antsy when my peers and I try to pick them up. 

We once had a mouse that we called "Half Tail." Like his name implies, half of his tail was gone, and we weren't really sure why. We assumed that one of his cage-mates had bitten it off.  When we got to know this mouse's personality, it wouldn't be surprising if he had bitten it off himself. He was a jumper. Every time we tried to feed him he would attempt to fly, only finding himself on the floor moments after. As if that wasn't frustrating enough, he would then scurry to the corner of the room to play Hide-and-Go-Seek. Not that fun when he's agile like a panther. He would sometimes scurry away and we couldn't find him for days at a time. This mouse was a pain in my neck for months. 

It's Half Tail himself! 

Recently, we've had another mouse born that resembled Half Tail's physical deformity. He must have been born without half a tail, because when I weaned him from his mother that's how I found him. I see how the other litter mice interact with him, and I don't think they were malicious enough to bite it off. So, I think this little guy was disadvantaged from the start. A guy in my lab couldn't help but relate our experience with Half Tail and the new mouse. "He's going to be so hard to gavage," he said. At first thought, I agreed.

However, after gavaging the new mouse a couple of times, I realized that he was one of the most calm mice so far. He patiently waits for us to pick him up by his shortened tail, and feed him. When he has all the right to feel antsy and disadvantaged, he makes it easy on us. What a great example that is to me. I first judged him to be like Half Tail. I judged a book by its cover. Or rather, I judged a mouse by its tail. And he taught me a lesson on patience.

The Lord gives us disadvantages and weaknesses that we could use as excuses. It’s so easy to feel that way. Because I’m not coordinated, I shouldn’t long board or play soccer. I’ve told myself that recently. Thankfully, the Lord is patient with us and I am learning how to long board.

It’s addressing your weaknesses, but also being patient that you can’t change them overnight. Coming to accept them, like this mouse did, will make us more pleasant to deal with. As Moroni recounts in the book of Ether what the Lord can do with us when we are willing to accept our weaknesses. “ And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble…for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

I have recently been struggling with some pretty big weaknesses of mine. I have come to realize that I can’t conquer them alone. I have amazing friends, wonderful dating experiences, and Christ to help me. Oh, and I can’t forget the mice. ;) I’m like Cinderella and her handy, dandy mice friends. 

This dress is a testimony that mice can be BOSS. 

A Utahan Summer

Anyone in the blogging world, do you ever have those days were you phrase thoughts in your mind to fit in a blog post? That's been happening to me for the last THREE months.

Part of my distance from the blogging world has been a fear that my world will continue to move at the fun, fast pace without me. Here I am to conquer that fear. I'm still trying to figure out if I should make it "catchup on Suzette's life" style or if I should just focus on where I'm at (while briefly telling what got me here). The second one sounds more like me.

If anyone either (a) follows me on facebook or (b) sees me around, you probably know that I have a boyfriend. To preface my adventures of the summer, I would like to attribute most of them to him. You know when people tell you you work too hard and never have fun? Yeah, I didn't get that. While I'm not ashamed of my passion for school and work, I never fully realized what I was missing out on. Something I don't want to forget from this summer is that there's a whole world out there to EXPERIENCE. Many people in my life I can attribute that wisdom to.


Alright, I got bored trying to think of a way to introduce so many exciting things, so I decided to simplify by doing one of my favorite things: make a list.
1. Hiked Stewart Falls
2. Hiked to Hot Springs
3. Hiked the Y*
4. Swung off Mona rope swing
5. Went to Canyonlands (Southern Utah)
6. Jeeping through canyons
7. Hiked 13 mile hike to Indian ruins and hieroglyphs
8. Repelled off of an arch
9. Slid through slot canyons
10. Tumbling down Rock Canyon hill
11. Watched a solar eclipse
12. Learned slack lining
13. Made ice cream*
14. Climbed up Southridge to roof
15. Rafting down Colorado River in Moab
16. Wakeboarding on Pineview Lake
17. Wake surfing on Pineview Lake
18. Boating on Pineview Lake
19. Learning how to longboard
20. Jumping in puddles
21. Rock climbing outdoors

*I've done this before.

As you can see, this summer isn't my typical scene. Being completely honest, I didn't know that half of this stuff even existed. Slot canyons? Who knew? I thought that boating was for rich people and that seldom anyone did it. I thought longboards where just long skateboards for those too handicap to skate on normal ones. Slack lining? ...You get the point.


For a while, I just wanted to brag to my Ohioan friends of the amazing summer I've had (shallow, I know). But, I didn't know that you could have this much fun. I've also been struggling with a regret that I have never done all of this before. I felt so far behind everyone. They've done this stuff a thousand times before. Because I was so inexperienced, I tried placing the blame on different factors. My dad not being very outdoorsy, or being very frugal with his money. My environment: Ohio doesn't really have the terrain for these outdoor activities. My family dynamic: we just spend our time differently when we're together. My lack of coordination or athletic ability. To make myself feel better, I've told myself these things time and time again. It was a way to make up for my failed attempts of being tough or strong or talented. I kept wondering why I ever thought I was so talented, or why I was under the illusion that my life was fun.

I ponder these sobering thoughts still occasionally, but writing them makes me realize there is a reason I was raised where I was, with certain people, and with the "adventures" given me. I was the one treating my past like a handicap, but it was perfect for me. I am easily pleased! I am perfectly content with a Disney movie, or a day laying out at the neighborhood beach.

Ignorance can be bliss sometimes. If those listening to Christ weren't ready for certain knowledge, his parables just sounded like good stories. If I would have known about wake boarding and slack lining when I was little, my life would have been so dissatisfying knowing I could be doing more fun things. I would have run my parent's bank accounts dry with that information. That's why Heavenly Father gives us knowledge step-by-step. We have to show a level of faith, maturity, and a responsibility to act on the knowledge given us.

Wow, that really is why we can't have everything at once. We have to prove ourselves! I hope this is making sense. I'm praying that this isn't a drifting thought, but rather a precious truth that blogging has brought out. That's why I miss blogging. Those thoughts that would start a perfect blog post usually end in a greater understanding of myself and Heavenly Father.

Power of Prayer. You'd Better Believe It

I just had the coolest experience. My sister is on her mission in Korea right now. I got to talk to her this last week; I didn't realize how much I missed her until I had to say goodbye at the end of the call. Not only that, because I actually got to talk to her, she confided more intimately her struggles. Especially with the language. So, this week, instead of just praying for her, I prayed specifically for her to learn the language more fully. My roommate even prayed for her since we started doing roommate prayers. And this is what Chantelle sent in her e-mail this week: 




"Have you been praying for me a little harder this week? ...Because I can feel it.  

This past week the language felt easier. Way easier. It felt like I had saran wrap over my ears and a paperclip on my tongue before. But this past week it felt like someone unwrapped the saran wrap and removed the paperclip! I could hear and speak way more clearly and confidently. I responded to questions more rapidly and without thinking- questions that before it'd take me a minute or 2 to answer and rearrange the sentence in my head. Miracle. Okay, that makes it sound like I've been mute for the past 6 months (I just realized.. today is my 6 month in country mark-- YIKES!) ..anyways.. I promise I haven't been mute, but it came a LOT easier this past week! 

...

Thanks so much for your prayers this past week! I'm serious- they're creating some cool miracles halfway across the world " 

I needed to hear this, especially because I prayed that she would know I was praying for her. I know that sounds kind of weird, but I wanted her to know it! And she did; and Heavenly Father wanted me to know how it had benefitted her too. I think I needed to be reminded of the power in prayer. 

Needless to say, I am overwhelmed with Heavenly Father's love for me. 

God is a DJ, Life is a Dance Floor

Do you ever have those days where every slightly eventful moment seems like a good start of a blog post?

This has been happening for the last week or so. Then, with those small moments I try to relate it to the big picture, but I got nothing. So you're left with a blog post with a little update on my life.


Zumba. Not only can I not stop doing it, I can't stop talking about it (lots of negatives in that sentence; I'll let you figure it out). Can you say hips like Shakira? Working on that. I have tried to dedicate about 2 hours to working out everyday. However, I've started wondering if I'm allocating too much of my time to myself. I'm thinking about switching it to 1 hour and 15min. It'll be harder to keep track of, but I should spend more time with people and serving them.

Pass of All Passes. This makes me incredibly happy. Although it was more money than I anticipated, I need to go at least 4 times to Seven Peaks to make it worthwhile. What makes it better is my job perfectly aligns with a Provo "beach bum." Most days, I don't have to go in until 4! How perfect is that?

Themes at work. Remember when I was worried about working around 30 hours at work? With theme, time is flying! Our first week was Superhero week, then Wizard week, and now it's Pirate week. Your typical themes, but just you watch. Next week is Supermario week. The week after that is Talent week. You know how excited I get when someone at work smiles or laughs about the silliness of trivia or the game. I have THE BEST job ever.

Outdoor adventures. I think I'm falling in love. With the beauty of Utah. It's amazing!

 I've gone on hikes,

to the hot springs in Spanish fork, and other adventurous things (like clubbing). For those that worry about my balance of social and serious, I'm doing fine!

Single-hood. If you talk to my roommates, they'll say that I keep talking about trying not to be bitter about this word. I'm already starting to see all my friends split off with boys and find their happy endings. And, I'm really trying my best to show an interest in a few guys. But, is it bad that I've already settled in my mind that it won't work?  I think it's my coping mechanism. And while I'm being honest, I also feel like I have to be more fit to even be considered by some of these eligible bachelors. Oh what a conundrum!

Well, I think these things adequately describe the stage I'm at right now. I have wonderful things to occupy my time for me, but I need to occupy my time with others. Thankfully, one of the side effects is a deterrence from single's awareness.

I haven't said it in a while, so I need to mention how I know Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me. He places me in callings where I can stretch myself. He has a plan for me, and I have a purpose while I'm here. I'm still figuring that out, but he gives me hints. ;)

(P.S. I really need to get my camera charger. Wherever it is. I need it. I need to document my life better.)

Reflection and Planning

What a great summer so far! Remember when I was a school-obsessed Provo girl and you couldn't get me out to do anything because I knew the opportunity cost. Thus, I needed to finish doing some miscellaneous school assignment instead of spending that time hanging out. 

Forget that though! Here I am in the desert of Provo, surrounded by mountains and working through the day, partying through the night. Maybe not to that extent, but I am having the time of my life. 

But, for a while I was stuck in a funk. Things were changing. I learned a lot, but I had to let go of a lot. Parting of roommates, even more extended time from my family, and the realization that I am on my own out here. Growing pains is what I call it. I think back to when I would wake up in the middle of the night and my legs were throbbing; I would sniffle my way over to mom where she would lovingly get up to get me something for my pain. A nice glass of milk and a conversation about how I was growing and these were just the growing pains. Now, my growing pains come more emotional and mental than physical (let's hope my growing pains don't start to extend my physically horizontally! That would be a pain!). 

This past semester or two, I think I had forgotten something inside of me. My love for adventure imagination. These old allies were replaced with responsibility and maturity. How dull life seemed to be. Thankfully, I can identify the problem now! 

So to invite my friends back this summer, I've got to make a good list for the summer. I've been aimlessly having fun, and I want something to work towards! I've spoken about my summer list, but I need to make it more concrete. Here it goes:

Plant a garden. I kind of already did this with my grandpa.

Volunteer at a hospital.

Visit every temple in Utah. I think there are currently 12 fully-functioning temples.

Canoeing.

Hike Mt. Timp TWICE. We already have one trip planned in two weeks! 

Perform a song I've composed.

Index.

Read LOTR.

Read Jane Austen. Already working on this one! Reading Northanger Abbey.

Read poetry.

Celebrate Pioneer Day. I'm in the Activities committee in my ward, and we're having a Pioneer Olympics activity! 

Thanksgiving Point. 

Go to St. George.

Go to Arches.

Go to the Salt Flats! 

Float down Provo River.

There will probably be more. 

Here's to the adventures that lie in store this summer! 

Successful Summer Day?! That's Possible?

Today was a successful day to say the least. I don't know how I pulled it off. Obviously, I didn't do it all alone though.

This is a picture from on top of Timp. Just an example that we can do hard things. Even if it feels like we can't 

Things I'm proud I did today:
Woke up at 8am to run for an hour. It felt like a huge barrier I had overcome!
Bought an A string for my cello. Then, rocked out for about 30min today.
Worked for about 10.5 hours! I had to keep changing my mood to make it fun! People kept coming and going so it made work fun.
Did abs & Zumba with my roommate. :)
Got some sun!
Found out I got a scholarship. Not as much as I was working for, but it's money! Trust me, I'm satisfied.


Things I need to work on:
Reading my scriptures ASAP in the morning.
It didn't feel like a very spiritual day. Bummer.
Be more attentive to people at work.
Be better at my calling as Activities Co-Chair! Yikes! We have an activity on Monday night, and I feel like I haven't done anything for it!
Finding a nice pair of flats. Seriously.
Going out with friends! Being social.

Never Gr[20]w Up

Man, life can be really hard sometimes. Feeling like you've really grown up, but yet you miss that youthful zeal you once had. This has hit me with the turning of 20 years old, and realizing my financial situation.

Being 20, let's start with that!
20 things I learned this past year:
1. It doesn't matter who your roommates are; none of them are perfect. But, you learn to love their imperfections and you learn patience.

2. Liking a boy that doesn't like me back still hurts, no matter how many times it's happened. Plus, it makes me pretty bitter.

You hear that boys?

3. I can be a "Lab-ee." I now work in a lab with mice, prostate cancer, and nutrition. It's the coolest thing, but also the most terrifying thing in my life right now. I feel like I have so many expectations to meet, and that I might slip up and disappoint them. What's worse is not feeling the reassurance from others that I can do this. It's hard when people question why I do this.

4. Being on track for your graduation is AWESOME! I can't believe that I'm already a junior by credits. By the time that my good friends on their missions will be home, I'll have a year left of my undergrad then off to pharmacy school.

5. Marriage might be the next biggest step in my life, but I don't know when it's going to happen. And something quite frustrating is trying to find a balance between boys and balancing my finances. Look, I know it's important to find the right one, but I have to pay for schooling. I still get emotional to think of how much I've sacrificed to avoid getting loans.

Which leads into

6. It is possible to (a) save enough money over a summer of waitressing, (b) get an academic scholarship, and (c) work around 15 hours a week for 2 semesters and NOT have to borrow any money. I don't think I can adequately explain how satisfying it feels to be self-reliant.

7. The Lord wants me to learn how to plan activities--and not stress out about it. Ever since my 16th Birthday party, I have been trying to figure out the art of social event planning. It is hard.

8. Walking around is no longer a burden; it's my time for quiet solitude and reflection. I feel like Elizabeth Bennet walking the English countryside.

9. I don't need to have good hand-eye coordination to be good at sports. Look, the biggest mistake that people make is thinking that because they're not "athletic," they can't enjoy physical activity. In the last year, I've tried Zumba, Yoga, Aerobic/Toning classes, Running, Swimming (and soon hiking). Oh, and I bought a snowboard!

I was never the sporty one, even when I did cross country in high school. I still highly admire those that excel in sports; you have a gift that is divine and inspiring! However, I can still enjoy that rush of adrenaline or feel the burning of building muscle too.

10. I might sometimes give off the "Kiss Me" vibe unintentionally. It's like they lay one on me...totally unexpectedly.

11. Miracles and blessings happen more than we realize.

12. Professors are people too. And although you do have to impress them to an extent, they can be pretty welcoming. Just don't sound like an idiot.

13. I have friends that do great things. Traveling to Ireland, Fiji, Spain, France, etc. Playing trombone, guitar, organ, and cello. Dancing. Getting As. Serving around the world. They are amazing examples to me. Our generation is really broadening horizons!

14. Adventure is always out there, but it's nice to know it's also in my heart. I traveled to Hawaii all by myself. You might think I'm crazy, but it was the coolest thing I've done.

15. Being a leader at my job is a lot harder than I thought. It's hard wanting to be everyone's friend, but also maintain a level of professionalism and respect.

16. Sometimes the teacher is myself. It's always enlightening to look back at old blog posts or journal entries and realize that things will work out and you are a good person.

17. The greatest teacher of all is the Holy Ghost. If this church wasn't true, the lessons would get old, and the church boring. But, I feel rejuvenated at least once every time I go.

18. Change is growing pains. And I'm not crying as much as I used to when people would leave my life.

19. I still am an awkward person.

20. Making it to 20 years old feels like a feat I've accomplished. There are reasons I am still here, and I do have a purpose.

Now, I will exhaust you with a bit of nervous venting on my financial future. Scholarships are uncertain. My mind is still trying to process the realization that I need to work full-time this summer to earn enough for Fall/Winter. Which means I probably won't graduate until August 2014 because I can't take Summer classes & work full-time. Where does that leave my social life? Am I satisfied with my self-reliance, or am I unsettled because I lack the time to enjoy my youth? Let's face it, I'm different. I don't enjoy parties as much as others (or even as much as I used to). I feel a bit like Tiana in The Princess and the Frog.

But, I don't have any Prince Charming to teach me to lighten up. And every time a guy tells me that, I am so frustrated because he does not know what I have to do to continue in school and continue to survive on my own. Am I too grown-up to enjoy fun anymore?

(UPDATE: Things do work out. I did get a scholarship and I don't need to take on a second job to survive! Things work out! And things are looking up with boys even. Somewhat. Well, there are some new potentials and it's exciting!)

10 Things I Hate About You, Life

I've had a major mind-blowing discovery. And, it's hard to explain it all, but thanks to my friend Mason I think I'm starting to figure out the solution. First off, I want you all to know that I don't love everything. I am not perfect. And so here are things that just plain agitate me:

1. When I can't find my keys/iPod/watch/water bottle/wristband/camera charger. Like seriously, I am the best at losing these things. Especially my watch. You know, my punctuality has significantly suffered with the loss of my watch (this is a cry for a new one, my birthday is coming up).

2. People judging others by their clothes. I do it, we all do it. But, in varying degrees.

3. Hipsters. Nuff said.

4. Folding clothes.

5. When your fruits and veggies rot before you eat them.

6. Superficiality. Please, you don't "love me."

7. Finishing a book and the characters die with it. I'm not trying to be funny. I get really emotional; each character usually teaches me a good life lesson.

8. Blind dates. Do I give off a desperate vibe?

9. When people tease me on how much I study/do HW. I don't have the benefits of an all expenses paid vacation through college; therefore, I work my butt off to earn scholarships and an income.

10. The lack of guy friends. Or real friends in general.

Survey

Once upon a time I created a survey. I would really appreciate anyone and everyone filling it out. It's for an eBook that I'm helping to write. It will make an awesome infographic.


1-MINUTE SURVEY

THANKS YA'LL

Maui Bowl

To get back into blogging more, I want to start small. Small posts. On like one thing at a time.

Yeah, I'm sorry for crappy pictures, but I can't find my camera charger...yeah, my possessions are all taking vacations from me.

Anyways, I went to this new restaurant called Maui Bowl. Not only was Saturday a perfect day for it (I was wearing sandals), but I took a stroll to this restaurant for dinner. It was even better running into my friend Megan who happens to work there and we caught up on each other's lives and got a few good laughs.

It just had a nice, fun atmosphere to it. I have been worried about my summer. I am going to be living with completely new people, and I miss Ohio. But, that moment where I was eating my acai bowl slouched in their couch, I felt like everything was going to be okay.

Not to mention, I got to go shopping for food and clothes that night. It was a perfect day.

O-H...I-O!

An article about Super Tuesday. I'm proud to be from Ohio!

"OHIO IS WHERE IT'S AT

Step aside, Florida. Ohio remains the ultimate down-to-the-wire presidential state.

Ohio is a microcosm of the country. It has urban centers and sprawling farms. It has diversity in both race and income. It has conservative strongholds in the southwest corner, where Sen. Rob Portman rallied his neighbors to deliver votes for Romney. It has liberal bastions in the northeast, near Cleveland, where moderates sometimes defect to Republicans. Its eastern and southern edges are Appalachia and tend to be filled with more swing voters.

In the end, Romney won the state that no Republican has ever lost on a successful White House run."

http://news.yahoo.com/super-tuesday-learned-083349192.html

The microcosm of the country? Haha, who'd have thunk? 

Music and News

Who would have thought that sitting in the Wilk for an hour would make me passionate about really anything. You go there to eat and socialize! Ever since my one digital civilizations class where we talked about incorporating music and politics, I have wanted to inform people about international issues through music. In case you didn't know, I play the cello. By no means am I extremely talented. I quite often get irritated when people try and swing me into a musical performance. But, this is something I am passionate about. I read about the elections in Russia, and how Vladimir Putin won the recent election. I read that it was relatively well-received, but why then were the protestors hushed so quickly? Were the polls really rigged? 

What about the Chinese self-immolation, or lighting oneself on fire, of another teenager? What were the social conditions that prompted his response? 

I just sent in my absentee ballot yesterday. I was excited about knowing the issues. How the United States and Iran are on the verge of war. The implications of cutting programs or taxes. 

I do not claim to be an expert on international news or even local news. But, for some crazy reason I believe that I could make a difference with music and news. What happened to music with a cause? I am so sick of a constant analysis of emotion. Don't get me wrong, I love infatuations and being twitterpated. However, I am afraid that's all people see in me. I'm afraid I bore people with my constant focus on relationships. If I write music, I don't want it to be my outlet for how annoyed I am at boys. I want it to divert my focus, and help understand the people in this world. Why they do the things they do. 

Well, there you have it. Don't expect much. 

Receiving Revelation: Power of the Holy Spirit

The Spirit is felt so strong in this video. I have been really struggling to know the answers to some of these big decisions, but I know that Heavenly Father wants the best for me. He knows who I am, what I'm going through, and why I need to endure through these trials. He knows that I these trials will bring me closer to Him.

There are a lot of things to figure out at this point: where to live, who to hang out with, who to date, where to stay over the summer, where to work, whom to fall in love with, what college should I go to, what career should I head into. It has been overwhelming, and so I have responded with apathy.

But, reading the scriptures today about Captain Moroni really helped me. Captain Moroni was placed in charge of all of the armies of the Nephites in the Book of Mormon. He was 25 years old (so for any of those men who feel "old" at 24, imagine being appointed as General or President or Defense secretary right now). He knew who he was. He relied on the Lord in all his doings. He never once trusted in his own strength, but the strength of the Lord. Because of this, his faith, and his obedience, he was able to motivate the people to defend their lands, liberty, and families from the Lamanites. Thank you Captain Moroni for you example to us in the Latter-Days.

Day Over

What a day. I am mostly posting this for my little sister who keeps encouraging me to post (though I hardly feel like it matters).

Today was a hard day. I woke up at 7:45 am. Dang, already up 15 min. late.

Showered and got changed. Time is of the essence even more.

Leave for my walk to the grocery store. I get this from my parents: I am stubbornly independent. My sister and I discussed that we were raised that way. Learning to tie our own shoes, learning to tell time on our own. I've learned to really understand and appreciate this parenting. However, my determination nipped me in the butt this morning. Or was that the wind?

A little disgruntled because my lovely boots have these nice slits down the middle of the sole. But, they're the only decent boots I can wear to work and school, so I suck it up.

I get to talk to my mom on the way to the store. It helps me forget how cold it is. And that I might slip because my shoes also have no traction on them.

Grocery store. I planned for 30min there. I ended up spending 45min there. Less time to get ready before school.

Groceries cost $14 more than I anticipated. Less money for emergencies. I realize that I am getting poorer by the second. I pray to God that no big financial emergencies happen this week.

I contemplate whether or not I should tell my parents. I decide not to.

After the grocer rings up my bags (btw, the workers were all super nice), I stuff about 20lbs. worth of food into my backpack. I then carry about 10 lbs. of groceries in each hand. I wish I knew the exact weight. However, I am basing this off of weightlifting in past experiences. Whatever the weights, my back still hurts from this morning and I feel sore muscles in my hands.

I realize that I have about 5min to get home to be on time. It takes me 20min to walk home. The whole time I grumble at cars driving by, wishing they'd stop and take me home.

I get home, and quickly put away my groceries. I eat my own cereal for the first time this year. It feels so good to have cereal. I feel like a queen. Then I think how pathetic I am for thinking that.

10am. Crap. My cello lesson starts in 30 min. and I still have to look presentable. Alright, quick straighten of the bangs, swap of make-up on and I'm out the door.

Run to my cello lesson. Somehow I made it from my apartment to the HFAC in 9min. However, no need to rush because my cello teacher was late. I wasn't mad at her; I was mad at the fact I wasn't psychic and knew she would be late. Dumb reason I know. But, I would rather be mad at myself than at her.

Cello lesson. Didn't actually get to play the cello. I was a bit nervous by the music she chose. Even though I've have about 6 years of playing the cello, I still consider myself an amateur. Come to find out, I had been holding the bow and the cello wrong for all of those years.

Because she was late, I said I could stay after and get my full cello lesson in. It was 11:19am. I need to get home, finish getting ready, and then head to biology.

I rush home. I look at the clock. 11:29am. Alright, I have about 15 minutes! Oh wait, I also have to pack lunch, a snack, and dinner because I won't be home till 10pm tonight. Oh, and I have to print out my bio assignment due at noon today. That means I need to leave 5 min. earlier.

I try to salvage any hope of looking good today. Maybe no one will get too close to me today.

Made it out at 11:43am. Get to the Benson building by 11:49. I rush past people downstairs to get to the computer and print out my paper. The printer isn't working down there.

Run upstairs. That printer isn't working either.

Run the opposite direction to my classroom to print at the closes printer. Finally! I rush to class, knowing my assignment is due at the start and then we have a quiz.

I made it. With 1 minute to spare. I hand in a 2-page, unstapled paper. I figure writing my name on both pages will do the trick.

Good thing I know two people in the class. One is an odd friend, and the other I wish we weren't just friends. The odd friend mentions to me that I am sweating. Even though I stopped to perfume myself before class, I feel completely embarrassed next to my "just friends" friend. Thankfully, I have nothing to worry about because he's looking for the blonde chick that just happens to be the same major as he is. They will attend this meeting tonight together and fall madly in love. I am glad I got to witness a BYU marriage in the making.

Class ends, I push thoughts of insecurity and frustration to the back of my mind and whip out my iPod to help direct my feelings towards something. I have 10 min to get from the Marb to the Tanner. Challenge accepted. These negative feelings fuel my walking pace. Make it there on time.

I meet some new people in New Testament. I always enjoy Brother Griffin's lectures.

After class, at 1:50pm, I head to work which starts at 2:30. It's a nice little walk (though I feel the daunting 7 hour shift weighing on my mind). It'll be okay.

Work. I work with lovely people. I often wish I could more like them. My little faults seem to be very apparent to me when I'm at work. Sometimes humbling, sometimes overwhelming.

When we called 10-min breaks, I always had something to do. Didn't really have much of a dinner.

I monitored my people. I don't feel like I'm motivating them or that I'm getting through to them. I felt harsh sort of. And I kept stumbling on my words. But, I get the most wonderful people to talk with.

I can't get in touch with Pualani. We were going to get ice cream tonight. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow night.

Thankfully, my coworkers drove me home. Though I miss my nightly walk. Walks are nice to just contemplate.

Get home. Waste sometime and then finish my bio assignment that's due at 11pm. Finish within 15min of 11. Then, I attempt to finish the last problem on my physics homework. Settled for my failed attempts, and then played the cello.

I had to keep readjusting my hand position on the bow over and over again. What seemed to be my leisurely activity just turned into another disappointment of today.

I'm sorry ya'll for being so down. I learned in my Marriage and Family class that it's okay to have down days. In fact it's normal. As I look back at today, I can change my attitude and it doesn't make it so bad. But, I think I need to let out the negative before I extinguish it. I've been trying to get these feelings out all day, but had a hard time expressing it. Thanks for listening, anyone out there. Here's to a day filled with hard work, and the hope that it will eventually pay off.