Never Gr[20]w Up

Man, life can be really hard sometimes. Feeling like you've really grown up, but yet you miss that youthful zeal you once had. This has hit me with the turning of 20 years old, and realizing my financial situation.

Being 20, let's start with that!
20 things I learned this past year:
1. It doesn't matter who your roommates are; none of them are perfect. But, you learn to love their imperfections and you learn patience.

2. Liking a boy that doesn't like me back still hurts, no matter how many times it's happened. Plus, it makes me pretty bitter.

You hear that boys?

3. I can be a "Lab-ee." I now work in a lab with mice, prostate cancer, and nutrition. It's the coolest thing, but also the most terrifying thing in my life right now. I feel like I have so many expectations to meet, and that I might slip up and disappoint them. What's worse is not feeling the reassurance from others that I can do this. It's hard when people question why I do this.

4. Being on track for your graduation is AWESOME! I can't believe that I'm already a junior by credits. By the time that my good friends on their missions will be home, I'll have a year left of my undergrad then off to pharmacy school.

5. Marriage might be the next biggest step in my life, but I don't know when it's going to happen. And something quite frustrating is trying to find a balance between boys and balancing my finances. Look, I know it's important to find the right one, but I have to pay for schooling. I still get emotional to think of how much I've sacrificed to avoid getting loans.

Which leads into

6. It is possible to (a) save enough money over a summer of waitressing, (b) get an academic scholarship, and (c) work around 15 hours a week for 2 semesters and NOT have to borrow any money. I don't think I can adequately explain how satisfying it feels to be self-reliant.

7. The Lord wants me to learn how to plan activities--and not stress out about it. Ever since my 16th Birthday party, I have been trying to figure out the art of social event planning. It is hard.

8. Walking around is no longer a burden; it's my time for quiet solitude and reflection. I feel like Elizabeth Bennet walking the English countryside.

9. I don't need to have good hand-eye coordination to be good at sports. Look, the biggest mistake that people make is thinking that because they're not "athletic," they can't enjoy physical activity. In the last year, I've tried Zumba, Yoga, Aerobic/Toning classes, Running, Swimming (and soon hiking). Oh, and I bought a snowboard!

I was never the sporty one, even when I did cross country in high school. I still highly admire those that excel in sports; you have a gift that is divine and inspiring! However, I can still enjoy that rush of adrenaline or feel the burning of building muscle too.

10. I might sometimes give off the "Kiss Me" vibe unintentionally. It's like they lay one on me...totally unexpectedly.

11. Miracles and blessings happen more than we realize.

12. Professors are people too. And although you do have to impress them to an extent, they can be pretty welcoming. Just don't sound like an idiot.

13. I have friends that do great things. Traveling to Ireland, Fiji, Spain, France, etc. Playing trombone, guitar, organ, and cello. Dancing. Getting As. Serving around the world. They are amazing examples to me. Our generation is really broadening horizons!

14. Adventure is always out there, but it's nice to know it's also in my heart. I traveled to Hawaii all by myself. You might think I'm crazy, but it was the coolest thing I've done.

15. Being a leader at my job is a lot harder than I thought. It's hard wanting to be everyone's friend, but also maintain a level of professionalism and respect.

16. Sometimes the teacher is myself. It's always enlightening to look back at old blog posts or journal entries and realize that things will work out and you are a good person.

17. The greatest teacher of all is the Holy Ghost. If this church wasn't true, the lessons would get old, and the church boring. But, I feel rejuvenated at least once every time I go.

18. Change is growing pains. And I'm not crying as much as I used to when people would leave my life.

19. I still am an awkward person.

20. Making it to 20 years old feels like a feat I've accomplished. There are reasons I am still here, and I do have a purpose.

Now, I will exhaust you with a bit of nervous venting on my financial future. Scholarships are uncertain. My mind is still trying to process the realization that I need to work full-time this summer to earn enough for Fall/Winter. Which means I probably won't graduate until August 2014 because I can't take Summer classes & work full-time. Where does that leave my social life? Am I satisfied with my self-reliance, or am I unsettled because I lack the time to enjoy my youth? Let's face it, I'm different. I don't enjoy parties as much as others (or even as much as I used to). I feel a bit like Tiana in The Princess and the Frog.

But, I don't have any Prince Charming to teach me to lighten up. And every time a guy tells me that, I am so frustrated because he does not know what I have to do to continue in school and continue to survive on my own. Am I too grown-up to enjoy fun anymore?

(UPDATE: Things do work out. I did get a scholarship and I don't need to take on a second job to survive! Things work out! And things are looking up with boys even. Somewhat. Well, there are some new potentials and it's exciting!)